It was a virtual cornucopia of laws for the control freaks in CA. Here are what I would call "what if" articles that boggle the mind. But yet...is it much of a stretch to see these happen in CA???
California to ban all imports of live crawfish.
First shark fins, then bullfrogs now live crawfish will be stopped "dead" in their tracks from entering the CA nature's food chain. Dead crawfish must be inspected at the state border with Nevada, the main state from which crawfish is being imported to make sure they are dead. "This new law will save at least 1,000 lives over the next 10 years"
Restaurateur Kevin Jameson who owns the "CA-CA-CAjun Whodat" Cajun food restaurant on Rodeo Drive was interviewed for his response to the new law. "WTF? My customers know frozen crawfish when they taste it. My business will be ruined. But, hey, it'll save lives, I'm told. So, I'm ok with it."
An additional 1500 state employees will have to be hired to fill the role of Crawfish Inspector.
California to require offices and companies to have small paper sacks to combat CO2:
Hyperventilation causes an imbalance of CO2 in the body by forcing the CO2 out into the air. CO2, also known as carbon dioxide, is considered a green house gas by those in the know. Panic attacks can also cause excess CO2 to form. There are over 75 documented cases of hyperventilation in CA alone. This new law will prevent over 50 premature deaths over the next 75 years.
Only CA-approved paper sacks made from recyclable materials will be allowed. CA will set aside $500,000 to hire inspectors for this very important life saving procedure.
"We will be having instructional classes for people to be certified to administer the paper sacks in the proper way," said Donna Womack, Spokeswoman of the State agency CARB. These classes are only $5 since CA is picking up most of the tab for the classes which would normally cost the taxpayer $1500. Contact your local YMCA for times and locations. Companies and Corporate offices within CA will be required to offer classes to employees as part of their normal Office Safety Protocol.
Californians required to speak Spanish-only by 2020
"Let's face it, we're no longer an English language only state and 85% of CA'ians speak Spanish," said Assemblyman Gunther. "All part of a decade long effort spearheaded by the 'Spanish Only and Absolutely Nothing Else' grassroots organization," he added with pride.
Manuel Junco, freshly arrived from Guatemala, is head of the grassroots group. "It was really helpful when businesses through their own free programs chipped in to teach Anglos the Spanish language," He said. "Who knew at the time that they were really helping our cause?"
Assemblyman Gunther during the interview also had this to say: "Se Habla Espanol!" Then he added, "We've mandated the hiring of additional Spanish-Only teachers. We think that the best way to teach Spanish is to immerse the children in the language with little to no English. We'll offer additional after-school tutoring as well to hurry them along." When asked why CA didn't do something like this for Spanish speaking students to learn English he said, "Why the hell would we do that? Do you want to destroy their culture?"
Beltway Dynamic Machine and Tools Moves Lock, Stock and Barrel to Texas. California starts new program to ease people OUT of the state.
"If they don't want to stay, what the hell, they can leave for all we care" said Nancy Danglespur, head of the new CA government agency. The agency called "Employment Enhancement State Initiative (EESI pronounced EASY) was established to assist companies in their search for better working conditions and higher profit margins, even if that means leaving the state.
"All they could say to me was ‘don't let the door hit you in the ass’ with a smile on their faces. I mean, doesn't Los Angeles care that we're all leaving this god forsaken state?" said Jeremy Gifford, owner of Beltway Dynamic Machine and Tools which is located in downtown LA.
The State Employment Board of governors has estimated that the new regulations will save hundreds of lives over the next 5 years. "Of course it will" said Jeremy Gifford . "If I make more money by moving out the state with my employees leaving with me, we'll all live better, healthier lives."
California implements new labor laws to accommodate newly formed religions. Newly formed ten minutes ago, that is.
New labor laws allow an employee to declare his religion and object to an employer’s job functions within 10 minutes of the offense. Employers will be required to file with the State Board of Employee Relations to have the matter resolved through an independent arbitrator. Due to State budget constraints, this expense is to be borne by the employer.
One employer, who agreed to talk to us about this under conditions of anonymity, said "I'm already getting grief from one employee at my vegetarian restaurant. He says he's a carnivore and won't handle the vegetables anymore because it offends his religious tendencies toward meat. But I can't fire him. The expense of filing the grievance for arbitration is so time consuming, it's cheaper for me to just keep him and have him answer the phones. Just one slip up and he's out of here." Then he added "If only he had just told me he was a Baptist or Episcopalian, I could have fired him on the spot."
A CA spokesperson said this new law will save untold lives, but gave no details as to how this would be attained.
San Francisco passes law to recycle spit.
Within the next few months you will start seeing what appear to be spitoons in elevators, street corners and bus stops. "We just put them at all the BART stations. They're very convenient, " says one worker in the newly formed agency.
"Spit is almost 100% water" says Jeffrey Nordlinger who was just sworn in as the Department Head of Fringe Water Collection and Conservation. "There's no reason in the world that spit SHOULDN'T be recycled."
When asked how the spit would be treated, Mr. Nordlinger was a little vague. "The technology is still being perfected. In the meantime, large vats are being constructed to store the future water source, just outside Oakland."
Other sources of water are also welcome, he continued. "We're looking forward to the cold season where any hocking and nasal secretions can be collected as well" Finally, he said "We're excited that we can close the loop of the water cycle from ingestion to secretion, back to ingestion. Just think of the lives we'll be saving."
CA moves to ban fracked natural gas. Not natural.
"Of course, it's not natural" said an official today, "considering the un-natural way it's extracted from the ground. We all know that if it's natural it's good for you." CA Assemblyman Rutherford added "We decided to take a principled stand against fracked natural gas for not being natural." When asked what would Corporate America have to do to show that it is natural natural gas he said "We're drawing up the regs now."
When asked about what this will do to the price of natural gas in the state, he said "We expect it to go up no more than 500% in cost. Besides, we're saving lives. We'll make up the cost in savings from lower healthcare costs.”