Thursday, October 29, 2015

EPA ANNOUNCES IT WILL SHUT ITS DOORS. CUTS WORLD CARBON EMISSIONS BY 15% BY DOING SO

Washington DC - Gina McCarthy, the Director of the Environmental Protection Agency (also known as the EPA) under Obama stood at the podium in the Press Room to make the stunning announcement.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, it is quite clear that by shutting down the EPA we would cut carbon emissions (which are a leading cause of global warming and climate change) by 15%. "

The crowd of reporters gasped and one female reporter fainted.

"We tried our best to minimize our carbon foot print, but the results have been disappointing to say the least.  We ran the numbers through our climate models - and we know how accurate the models are.  And they don't, and nor do we, lie."

She turned to the easel board that had the numbers to back her up.  She used a laser pointer to highlight each of the bullet points.

"We try to justify a fair amount of what we do.  The cars, the planes, the boats, the helicopters - you name it.  And each vehicle is required for us to carry out each of our important functions."  She tried to point to each bullet point, but ended up just making swirls on the board.

"But the thousands of cars, the hundreds of planes and dozens of helicopters and hundreds of boats have just been spewing and belching mass quantities of carbon dioxide, which is the leading cause of climate change.

Then there is the question of our SWAT teams we have funded.  Their specialized gear and uniforms, all at the cost of ever increasing amounts of carbon dioxide, which lead to  more abrupt climate change.  Even their bullets - the millions and millions of rounds of ammunition - wait, was I allowed to admit that - oh, what the hell - the tens of millions of rounds that if ever used would create vast quantities of carbon dioxide which is known to cause global warming.

Then there are the 15,000 plus employees we have that breathe in and out expelling vast quantities of carbon dioxide, which is known to cause a rise in the earth's temperature.  And the cars they drive to work, and the food they eat and the children they raise..."

Ms McCarthy stopped to compose herself.  A tear trickled down her cheek.  It was obvious she was moved by her discoveries. "It's...it's all too much."  There was not a dry eye in the room.  Someone could be heard quietly saying "poor dear..."

It was at this point, the pool of reporters exploded with questions.  But Ms McCarthy said she would not take any and had to go to the bathroom anyway.  "I can't hold it in any longer.  We have a program in place called 'Hold the Poop!' to help lower the impact of sewage on the deteriorating sewage systems in the inner DC area."  At that, she headed for the door.

But one intrepid reporter did manage to get one question in before Ms McCarthy disappeared.

"But....but what about the rest of the government?  What about THEIR carbon foot print?"

The pool of reporters roared their displeasure over the seemingly straightforward question. Someone shoved the violating reporter down to the ground.

Just before the double doors to the Press Room shut you could hear her answer "Talk to the Energy Department about that!"

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